Millions of Disused Young People to Be Pulped

"Have I got something on my face?"

New figures published today show that almost 2.7 million people are out of work in the UK. More concerning though is the fact that, of the 2.68m unemployed, 1.04m of these can be categorised as "youth" men & women. Despite continued efforts in the last few years by the government to make use of these, so called, 'young people', Education Secretary Michael Gove was loathed to admit they'd "hit a bit of a brick wall":

"We're running out of options here. We tried making school mandatory, then there was that whole Labour thing of making University seem unnecessarily important. It's almost like all these things we told them aren't in fact useful in acquiring gainful employment. Weird."

Fortunately, Gove has put forward a five-step plan for eliminating the excess waste, also known as young unemployed people: "Yes, we're going to have them torn down and then pulped, much like all those copies of Tony Blair's biography that Labour stashed in the attic of the Houses of Parliament." Unfortunately, it seems that the tax-payer will once again bare the brunt of the lengthy and expensive process, as it is expected to cost upwards of £40 million to dispose of the disaffected youth.

It is thought that most of the money raised will go towards washing blood off the streets and funding new BBC period dramas to take people's minds off the tragic loss of life.

Dan Almost-Soapings

"Indie Rock Dead" Claims Guardian; Aspiring Musicians Breath a Collective Sigh of Relief

Piss off

Fortunately, after years of it's rotting carcass being pillaged and raped again & again by moronic teenagers in oversized Radiohead t-shirts and desperate middle-aged men who bought guitars instead of having affairs during their collective mid-life crises, the Guardian newspaper declared indie rock dead this morning.

In an incredibly predictable and trite article, Dorian Lynskey, which, by the way, is a stupid name for anyone, suggested that declining sales figures for guitar-based bands and a distinct lack of Brit-pop appearing in Q Magazine means that the once sexually frustrating genre of "indie" has finally shuffled off this mortal coil, staring at it's shoes whilst it's mum tells it to get a haircut.

The reaction to this, well I say news, it's hardly new information is it, has been overwhelmingly positive. The vast majority of people say they're overjoyed that skinny and socially awkward male teenagers have been downloading cracked copies of Pro Tools instead of buying amplifiers, resulting in much quieter cul-de-sacs up & down the country. Similarly, sales of oversized headphones have increased 400% in the last five years, as well as the ecstacy industry experiencing a brief renaissance.

When we interviewed local "indie music" fan David Cameron, he refused to acknowledge the death of his favourite genre: "but I've only just discovered Parachutes! Still, Mylo Xyloto did have a lot of weird synthesizers on it..."

Meanwhile, avant-garde composer Toby Diver is ecstatic that his obtuse, gothic, jazz-fusion inspired guitar music will no longer be put alongside excess copies of Idlewild's seminal album The Remote Part.

J. Slammer

Nick Clegg Unveils Plans for T.K. Maxx Style Economy

You poor, poor man

Quickly back-pedalling after issuing a, frankly, incompetent statement regarding plans to move towards a 'John Lewis' style economy, Nick Clegg today unveiled new plans for a more T.K. Maxx based economic model.

Stating that giving employees a share in the economy was utterly ridiculous and irresponsible, Clegg quickly devised a plan to have Britain's GDP strewn across the country in bargain bins and crammed into ill-matching boxes on inaccessible shelves with confusing labels attached to them.

Rather than ushering in an age of "responsible capitalism", it is felt this new brand of fiscal policy, called "clusterfuckonomics", will weed out the weak from the strong, as they are crushed underneath the heels of more athletic people with dexterous fingers, used to flicking through row-upon-row of oddly-sized jumpers on broken railings.

Clegg was dissuaded from his original plan after Liberal-Democrat backbenchers told him that it was exactly this sort of ridiculous gibberish which would incinerate the last vestiges of credibility he may have possessed, condemning their entire party for decades to come.

When questioned where this would leave people who were too busy working to scramble around behind piles of damaged trainers and Ed Harvey jeans, Clegg replied "fuck 'em".

Archibald Egg

BREAKING NEWS: Richard Dawkins Still a Cunt

Some smug twat's face

Apple-faced goon and general all-round turd cutter Richard Dawkins celebrated a small victory over intelligent design fans today.

Free schools teaching intelligent design will be stripped of funding unless they switch to Darwinian, Lamarckian or, failing that, Pokémon evolution. The Department for Education wearily acquiesced to Dawkins group of Oxbridge educated nonces and moronic and hopelessly single young men who read science-fiction, the British Humanist Association.

When questioned, the Creationist organisation Truth in Science spouted some acerbic jibberish about God which everyone ignored.

Similarly, when we talked to Dawkins, it was almost impossible to understand anything through his smug, prickish smile. Despite trying extremely hard to write something down, whilst simultaneously vomiting in disgust and searching for some kind of implement to bash his face in with, the only thing we heard Dawkins say was "bwah bwah bwah bwah".

Arsehole.

Jill St Jilly-Burns

CULTURE: 10 Out of 11 Children Not Unhappy

An extremely depressed child

A shocking report by the Children's Society unveiled yesterday that almost 90% of children are not miserable. But why not 80%? or 70%? What are we, as a country, doing wrong?

Despite constant criticism, rigorous & unnecessary testing and the looming fear of pubescence, the vast majority of British children remain upbeat and cheerful. Many experts thought the introduction of overtly sexual and entirely inappropriate role-models for children would create an atmosphere of unassailable inadequacy, but, against a backdrop of an entire generation's childhood being brutally raped, somehow, children remain blissfully unaware of how desparate aldults are to measure and quantify their happiness.

The shadow-minster for juvenile contentment, Aaron de Brumlestgh, has vowed to have an impact on these damning figures should Labour slip under the cheese-wire of competitive politics: "I'm going to bring those little bastards to their knees. Spontaneous beatings, land mines in playgrounds, no more Tracey Beaker on CBBCs. Watch out you shits".

When consulted about objective measurement of happiness as a metaphysical quantity, a small child said "what?"

Gus Lemons Lemon

Scotland to be Surgically Removed from England

The most sexually attractive man in Scotland

After David Cameron unfortunately let slip that he didn't give a shit about Scotland or Wales, the United Kingdom will go under the knife later this month to remove the horrific, cancerous tumour that has been growing above Northumberland since 1603.

Surgeon General Phillip Raffaelli was initially quite concerned that removing Scotland from the British mainland may have unforeseen consequences, such as a sudden and unexpected increase in the number of Scottish people in northern-England, but he quickly overcame any misgivings when he realised the north of England may be even less important than Scotland.

Army helicopters have been dowsing most stretches of the border between the two countries with anaesthetic for some time now, initially to numb the pain of any English people who had been forced, by misfortune, poverty or a bizarre need to be near distended sheeps' stomachs full of offal, to live next to Scotland. A fortunate by-product is that slicing Scotland off from England will go relatively unnoticed by both parties. When we asked Northumberland resident Alice Borkand what she thought of the whole thing she was wont to comment "brilliant, I'll have a coastal property now".

Anton Lublublublub

Europe Shaken as the Monopoly Bank Takes Money Off France for Landing On Community Chest Square

One. Just one more mulligan.

In another shocking Euro-zone twist, France has been severely penalised for drawing a less-than-desirable Community Chest card in the great Monopoly game of economics. Despite rolling a double-four and early positive reactions following a near miss of Park Lane (which had a hotel on it), France have incurred a huge $15 penalty.

France are shocked and dismayed to have to pay a Parking Fine directly to the bank, especially in this bleak economic climate. "They could have just let it slide" Nicolas Sarkozy was heard to remark after slowly extracting three crisp $5 from his massive stack of multi-coloured money; "we need that imaginary money to buy another railway station. Why couldn't we have won a crossword competition instead?"

At this point in time, the only official statement from the bank was that France could "suck it", and "stop being massive pussies". When consulted about this huge setback to their country's economy, French locals were said to comment "what's the big deal? It's not real money. My kid eats loose $1 bills if I don't supervise him properly".

Tim Bummer

Tesco CEO to Be Publicly Flagellated for Slight Decline in Christmas Profits

Clark's face when he was told how big the whips are

After high-street batholith Tesco posted cripplingly dwindling figures over the Christmas period, it's share-holders today called for it's CEO to be publicly tortured in a small town square in rural Oxfordshire. Chiselhampton will play host to Phillip Clark's ritual humiliation, in what it's mayor called a "surprisingly pleasant turn of events".

Speaking exclusively to The Chute, his honour Adam Winstanley said he "wasn't bloody surprised" Clark was in for a "good old flogging": "we had Richard Branson repeatedly being lowered into the village pond last month for taking over Northern Rock, and occasionally you'll see the CTO of Morrisons being chased through the market wearing only strips of bacon fashioned into underwear. Serves 'em right".

Although this arcane punishment may seem cruel, it was actually negotiated into Clark's contract when he signed on to be CEO. "Yeah, fair play" Clark commented "I never thought they'd actually do it but I did sign the fucking thing". He was also heard to mumble "shambles" over and over again as the 'torture team', composed chiefly of local dignitaries and disgruntled Tesco's shelf-fillers, assembled themselves in the square for a run-through.

Ironically, the day of Clark's violent retribution coincides with Chiselhampton's annual fun run for breast-cancer. Local housewife Allison Crumbs-Worthington-Tallow was overheard to say "they better not get any of his back blood on my running shoes".

Bill Post