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| An extremely depressed child |
A shocking report by the Children's Society unveiled yesterday that almost 90% of children are not miserable. But why not 80%? or 70%? What are we, as a country, doing wrong?
Despite constant criticism, rigorous & unnecessary testing and the looming fear of pubescence, the vast majority of British children remain upbeat and cheerful. Many experts thought the introduction of overtly sexual and entirely inappropriate role-models for children would create an atmosphere of unassailable inadequacy, but, against a backdrop of an entire generation's childhood being brutally raped, somehow, children remain blissfully unaware of how desparate aldults are to measure and quantify their happiness.
The shadow-minster for juvenile contentment, Aaron de Brumlestgh, has vowed to have an impact on these damning figures should Labour slip under the cheese-wire of competitive politics: "I'm going to bring those little bastards to their knees. Spontaneous beatings, land mines in playgrounds, no more Tracey Beaker on CBBCs. Watch out you shits".
When consulted about objective measurement of happiness as a metaphysical quantity, a small child said "what?"
Gus Lemons Lemon
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