Millions of Disused Young People to Be Pulped

"Have I got something on my face?"

New figures published today show that almost 2.7 million people are out of work in the UK. More concerning though is the fact that, of the 2.68m unemployed, 1.04m of these can be categorised as "youth" men & women. Despite continued efforts in the last few years by the government to make use of these, so called, 'young people', Education Secretary Michael Gove was loathed to admit they'd "hit a bit of a brick wall":

"We're running out of options here. We tried making school mandatory, then there was that whole Labour thing of making University seem unnecessarily important. It's almost like all these things we told them aren't in fact useful in acquiring gainful employment. Weird."

Fortunately, Gove has put forward a five-step plan for eliminating the excess waste, also known as young unemployed people: "Yes, we're going to have them torn down and then pulped, much like all those copies of Tony Blair's biography that Labour stashed in the attic of the Houses of Parliament." Unfortunately, it seems that the tax-payer will once again bare the brunt of the lengthy and expensive process, as it is expected to cost upwards of £40 million to dispose of the disaffected youth.

It is thought that most of the money raised will go towards washing blood off the streets and funding new BBC period dramas to take people's minds off the tragic loss of life.

Dan Almost-Soapings