Scotland to be Surgically Removed from England

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After David Cameron unfortunately let slip that he didn't give a shit about Scotland or Wales, the United Kingdom will go under the knife later this month to remove the horrific, cancerous tumour that has been growing above Northumberland since 1603.

Surgeon General Phillip Raffaelli was initially quite concerned that removing Scotland from the British mainland may have unforeseen consequences, such as a sudden and unexpected increase in the number of Scottish people in northern-England, but he quickly overcame any misgivings when he realised the north of England may be even less important than Scotland.

Army helicopters have been dowsing most stretches of the border between the two countries with anaesthetic for some time now, initially to numb the pain of any English people who had been forced, by misfortune, poverty or a bizarre need to be near distended sheeps' stomachs full of offal, to live next to Scotland. A fortunate by-product is that slicing Scotland off from England will go relatively unnoticed by both parties. When we asked Northumberland resident Alice Borkand what she thought of the whole thing she was wont to comment "brilliant, I'll have a coastal property now".

Anton Lublublublub