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| Clark's face when he was told how big the whips are |
After high-street batholith Tesco posted cripplingly dwindling figures over the Christmas period, it's share-holders today called for it's CEO to be publicly tortured in a small town square in rural Oxfordshire. Chiselhampton will play host to Phillip Clark's ritual humiliation, in what it's mayor called a "surprisingly pleasant turn of events".
Speaking exclusively to The Chute, his honour Adam Winstanley said he "wasn't bloody surprised" Clark was in for a "good old flogging": "we had Richard Branson repeatedly being lowered into the village pond last month for taking over Northern Rock, and occasionally you'll see the CTO of Morrisons being chased through the market wearing only strips of bacon fashioned into underwear. Serves 'em right".
Although this arcane punishment may seem cruel, it was actually negotiated into Clark's contract when he signed on to be CEO. "Yeah, fair play" Clark commented "I never thought they'd actually do it but I did sign the fucking thing". He was also heard to mumble "shambles" over and over again as the 'torture team', composed chiefly of local dignitaries and disgruntled Tesco's shelf-fillers, assembled themselves in the square for a run-through.
Ironically, the day of Clark's violent retribution coincides with Chiselhampton's annual fun run for breast-cancer. Local housewife Allison Crumbs-Worthington-Tallow was overheard to say "they better not get any of his back blood on my running shoes".
Bill Post
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